The theme of this year has been rebirth. Thus, I have been putting many so-called friendships and relationships under the guillotine and, if I had listened to all the professional advice I'd gotten, I would have done it a long time ago. I recently had to do it again and it's such an empowering feeling. Part of my motivation to do this came after reading ( this article )

I've begun to realize that the majority of my friendships from middle school up until recently have fallen into that category. And it definitely goes both ways. Two people can be equally toxic to each other and not even realize it. A lot of it stems from personal insecurities that spill over into the friendship, and one or both people end up paying an emotional tax for the other person's pain, even if it has nothing to do with them. Talk about the light bulb coming on. I never want to be involved in anything like that again, and that means I'll have to be a little more selective and observant of people before I dub them a friend. People use that term so loosely these days.

It's been a while, so I figured I was due for an update.

I didn't make it to the final cut for Teach for America, and I can't say I'm all that disappointed. It seemed like a really great opportunity, but I honestly think that there were probably a lot of other people that wanted it more than I did and were more deserving of a spot. I believe allmy bricks will be laid into the structure their supposed to be, so I'm not sweating it.


The school year is coming to a close, which means college life is on the way out. I've had tumultuous, but awesome experience here at Temple and graduation will be bittersweet, but I see it as the mark of a new beginning. I've been in the process of shedding a lot of old, soiled skin and I feel like post-college life will bring a breath of fresh air so I can start doing the things I've really been wanting to do.

Mark and I have been discussing marriage more and more seriously. It's always been something that we've talked about, but now that we've been together for over a year and have gotten more emotionally intimate, I feel like it's a definite step that both of us want to take. Not to say that we'll be walking down the aisle this summer, but it will happen one day, and that day may not be that far off. But I can't say anymore about it because only time will tell. I'm just enjoying how great our relationship is going right now.

My internship at Alloy will also be ending come May. I think I've gotten the most out of this internship than any of the others I've had, simply because I feel like I'm doing the same work I'd be doing if I were a full-time employee. I've met a lot of cool people and I'll definitely be keeping in contact with them. I wish the editorial staff wasn't so small, because I'd love to work there after I snagmy degree, but there isn't a spot open at the moment. Oh well, at least I've got an internship with a reputable company on my resume.

I'd better hit the sheets now. That 7:30 alarm comes a lot faster than you think. :/

So many people say that it's so difficult to admit when you're wrong and apologize for it. For me, the hard part isn't apologizing, it's forgiving. Depending on the person and the situation, if you're the transgressor, you're job is to admit you're wrongdoing and abstain from repeating it, and usually you can just move on with your life. But when you're the person that's been wronged, sometimes the ill feelings caused by the transgressor live on even after they've apologized. You have to decide whether, by forgiving their behavior, you're justifying it or truly just moving on from it. Personally, I can remember situations where I've verbally forgiven someone, but still harbored a wealth of resentment for that person inside of me-sometimes for months or even years. This isn't TRULY forgiving someone. And, honestly, by holding onto that resentment, I'm depleting myself of the positive energy I need to move forward with my life.

I read this article somewhere that gave some rather profound advice on how to forgive someone that has hurt you. It said that you should imagine that person as a baby or young child, when they were pure and only craved love and protection. Realize that there was a time when that person was innocent and didn't have a desire to hurt others. It wasn't untll they got older that they began experiencing their own emotional pain at the hands of others that lead them to hurt other people.

The flipside of that is, however, people that hurt others because they have been hurt had the opportunity to turn that pain into something positive. Which makes me realize that, I don't want to become the kind of person that synthesizes all her pain and turns into a bitter, caustic person. I would be promoting a vicious cycle of pain. Wow. I'm really learning a lot.

In other, unrelated news: I made the first cut of the Teach for America application process. Next step is a phone interview on Monday morning. I'm nervous, but I think I'll nail it!

Precisely the word that characterizes my life as of recently. Between classes, work, and interning in NYC twice a week, my plate is full. Ironically, I don't find it draining. While I do find myself getting tired more, I think having so many responsibilties is preparing me for post-college life. I work 16 hours a week at my on-campus job, intern 12 hours a week at Alloy in NYC, and I have three classes which eats up another chunk of my time. I'm actually at Alloy as we speak, transcribing a Natasha Bedingfield interview, but it's hard because my headphones suck and I'm having trouble understanding Natasha's thick British accent. The day goes by pretty fast here though, because I always have stuff to do, and everyone here is so laid-back and welcoming. I have my own desk with my own computer and they're even getting me a nametag. Could this lead to a full-time job after graduation? I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

If that doesn't happen, I'm exploring other options. I'm applying to Teach for America. I actually didn't think about it until I got a recruitment letter last week. I did some research about the organization and I really respect what they're trying to do for the American education system. The downside is, the application process is tedious. The online application is due two weeks from now, which I'm already 3/4 of the way through, but I have to write a letter of intent and a 500-word essay. Then, hopefully I'll be invited for a phone interview. After that, I have to send a recommendation letter, and after that, hopefully I'll be invited to the FINAL interview. Then I'll have to wait to see if I get accepted, and hope that it's in one of the three cities I picked to teach in. I would love to be apart of the program and help these kids that are suffering because of the lack of funding in their school districts. It's less individualistic then just getting a full-time job. It's about making a difference in someone's life, no matter how cliche that sounds.

So, I've got a meeting with a recruiter tomorrow morning as sort of a preliminary interview. We'll see how it goes. I better get back to work. This interview isn't going to transcribe itself.

I'm feeling a lot better since my last entry. My roommate broke up with her boyfriend, which was a shock considering they'd been inseparable for over 6 months. Once her boyfriend got an apartment, I never saw her and we barely hung out. Now that they're no more, we've been hanging out as if we've been best friends for years.

We went to see Juno last night at the Ritz. GREAT MOVIE! I really like the soundtrack too and am about to start going on a download spree. I highly recommend it.

Got another job, because Lord knows I need it. Working at the RCC for ten bucks an hour, fifteen hours a week just isn't cutting it. And the fact that my job is only open standard business hours makes it impossible for me to pick up extra hours. I need extra money to make the commute to my internship in NYC next semester.Plus, since it's winter break, my job will be closed through the entire duration. That means no paycheck for a whole month and I can't afford not to have any income for that long. So I just got hired today at the Institute for Survery Research on campus. It's a telephone interviewer position, eight bucks an hour, and they have day, evening, and weekend shifts. I'm pretty much gonna be working there to supplement the income I make from working at the RCC. I have to go pick up my interviewer packet tomorrow, and I start training on the 3rd of January. I've been pretty fortunate that all my jobs since I've been in school have been on-campus, so I don't have to worry about spending money on a commute to another part of the city.

In other news: Me and Mark's sex life has been AMAZING. I feel so lucky to be in a relationship where I never get bored. We're thinking about trying some new things, though I don't care to elaborate on what those new things are at the present moment. All I can say is, I'm excited for what's to come. Ahem..no pun intended. :)

I'm frustrated with so many people right now.

My dad-Granted, him and I haven't had the most ideal father-daughter relationship. He's been slipping on his child support payments and now is over $2000 in arrears. This is money that my mother could be giving to me and my sister to help with our college living expenses, but dad seems to only want to help out when he feels like it. Then, he forgot my 21st birthday. I understand that he's got a lot on his plate with another baby on the way and all, but how can you possibly let the birthday of your firstborn slip your fucking mind? I called him on my birthday saying "Hey Dad, do you know what day it is?". And after nonchalantly giving me a birthday greeting, he called back later to admit that he had forgotten.

My roommates- They're really nice people and we all get along and all. Hell, Jen even offers to smoke me out and watch DVDs every now and then. But when it comes to paying the bills and keeping house, they absolutely fail. Our electric bill was due October 22nd, and I made them aware of it weeks before. Once the due date came around, it seemed like the only person that had their money was me. Here it is almost two fucking months later and they still haven't forked over their share of the money for the bill. On top of that, Jen has been flaking on the Comcast bill and as a result, our service has been suspended. And she just chalks it up too "Oh, I've forgotten to pay the bill many times before and they never shut off our service". Nicole, who is in charge of the gas bill, still has yet to pay it and who knows how long ago it was due. If they don't get their acts together soon, we'll be living in a cold, dark, Internet-less apartment.

My mom- I love my mom dearly. She has played both mother and father to me and my sister for as long as I can remember and I largely credit her for all of my accomplishments. But she can stress me out too. Lately, everytime I talk with her on the phone, it's about how broke she is, how my father isn't sending money, how she's so glad she divorced Vernon, how she wishes she never married Vernon, blah, blah, blah. She has beaten all of these topics to a bloody death and I'm so fucking sick and tired of hearing about them. I'm her kid, not her spouse or her fucking therapist. And it's not that I don't care, but badmouthing the ex-husband that your children never wanted you to marry in the first place gets old and really annoying.

Sigh...now I feel better.

I'm becoming quite lazy with keeping my LJ updated, but honestly, senior year has consumed so much of my time that updating my LJ is the last thing I ever really think about. I've been up to my neck in work and internship duties, what with articles to write, exams to study for, and internship interviews to go on. I have an interview tomorrow in NYC with Alloy, which is a HUGE deal. Yes, I know it's all the way in NYC, but I know plenty of people in my classes that make the commute from Philly two or so times a week to intern. That's the place to be if you really want to get into the print media business. So anywho, I'm interviewing for a spring editorial internship with Alloy.com and I'm both nervous and excited. I don't want to be my normal pessimistic self and convince myself that I don't have a chance, so I'm going in with lots of enthusiasm (and lots of nerves).

In other news, Mark and I are getting close to the one-year mark. A couple of weeks ago, we hit a rough patch and I was extremely frustrated. We didn't have sex for about two weeks because I was never in the mood and we started spending less time together because of all the friction. Then, we finally resolved things and it's like we've fallen even deeper in love with each other. Thus, the sex is AMAZING and I have suddenly become insatiable. But I won't get into any inappropriate details. :)

I've also taken up crocheting as a way to help me cope with stress. It's sort of a substitute for smoking weed, which I only do occasionally now instead of regularly. I'm working on a baby blanket for Didge, but since I'm a novice, it's coming along a little slower then I'd like.

I really can't wait for Thanksgiving, the Big 2-1, winter break, and Christmas. My grandma is flying up from Georgia for the holidays, and the house is gonna be packed. I love having all my family around when I go home, which makes me think that our displacement to Easton, PA wasn't such a horrible thing after all.

1. Go to http://www.careercruising.com/.
2. Put in Username: nycareers, Password: landmark.
3. Take their "Career Matchmaker" questions.
4. Post the top ten results



Interesting results, if I do say so myself!

1.


Professor


2.


Special Effects Technician


3.


Foreign Language Instructor


4.


ESL Teacher


5.


Desktop Publisher


6.


Sign Maker


7.


Computer Trainer


8.


Fashion Designer


9.


Cartoonist / Comic Illustrator


10.


Actor

Right now I'm getting ready to leave work and resume my responsibilities for the day. All I really wanna do is take a nap though.

I have yet to find time to make it to the dance studio, which I need to do soon, because I have to use my class card within three months.


I'm applying for the Project Mexico Winter Break Immersion trip. I haven't yet told anybody because I don't want to jinx it. But I figured that now, after opting out of going to Spain over the summer, I'm ready to experience traveling abroad. And not only do I want to travel abroad, but I want to be to take something from the experience as well as give something back.


I'm still transitioning through some things right now, so the weeks haven't been necessarily spectacular. But I'm working through it. Each day gets better and I become more and more hopeful.

I wish things could be different with me and Nizzle, but I think I've realized that maybe it's for the best. For the past seven years, I thought she would be the maid of honor in my wedding, and I still want her to be. But maybe it's not meant to be. My mom and I were talking about how God has a plan for all of us. And sometimes we're steered off of a certain path in order to fulfill the plan that He has for us. Sometimes I question myself as to whether I did the right thing for myself and the friendship, but maybe I don't see the immediate result yet. Maybe it will take time for me to really understand why I was compelled to do what I did.

One of my favorite memories I have of us is one of the many times I was upset and needed consolation. Of course, I believe it was over a guy. But she printed out the lyrics to Britney Spears' "Stronger" and I remember feeling so much better. It was like she broke the cloud that had been hovering over me. I think it was one of the best things she's done, and even something so small sticks out in my mind until this day.

They say losing a best friend is worse than losing a significant other. Well, at least for women it is. You learn and you grow with that person and they see you through all your ugly, melodramatic, tear-streaked moments, and they are even there for your greatest triumphs. I miss having that person that just gets it. And I have a wonderful, loving, AMAZING boyfriend, but there are times that I want a different shoulder to lean on when he's not there.

Thus,I think that I've measured my self-worth by how people accepted me. I have this whole fear of abandonment, and it's almost like I'll kill myself for people to accept me because I don't want them to leave. And when they DO leave, I feel like it's because of something I did, which isn't always necessarily true. I know where this fear comes from, I just don't know what to do about it.`There is so much that I have learned about myself over the past three and half years and I'm glad that I've been forced to face all of my issues.

I'm just trying to cope with change right now. I've changed my living situation, my friends, my job, my social habits. I have to adjust to all these new things that are present in my life and it's stressful. But I will get through it. I always do.

I'm never satisfied.

I have all these great things going for me-great job, great boyfriend,an education, internship, family.

Yet I feel unfulfilled.

I haven't even been wanting to be intimate.

I bought a 10-class card at Koresh downtown in hopes that by resuming my fledgling dance passion I'll experience some sort of satisfaction.

But honestly at this point, I don't know what it's going to take to make me truly feel

Happy.

So I've been working Summer Bridge for three weeks now and, while I enjoy it, I'm almost relieved that next week is the close of the program. It's mentally taxing, what with the grading and thinking of lessons plans and tutoring and filling out paperwork. I'll be continuing my employment with the RCC in the fall as a tutor, making the same salary, and I hope it's not as exhausting as this. I don't know, maybe it's me and the fact that I'm on my period right now. Everything seems to make me tired.

Part of me is really excited for school to start, and the other part of me is a bit apprehensive. I'm still going through this transitional phase, and coping with change has always been a challenging task for me. I'm really anxious to graduate, although I don't think I'm going to be doing it early. If I were to graduate in January as scheduled, I'd feel rushed, and then there's the worry of paying back loans six months later. And of course, there's finding a job. I've been seriously considering grad school, but for goodness' sake, can I really bear another two years of schooling just to get another degree? I guess I'll have it all figured out once school is under way.


I really need to get back into my reading and writing regimen. My time has been consumed with work, family, church (occasionally), Mark, and trying to find time for myself and a social life. It has been a rather tiring summer and I'm aching to have at least a weeklong break once Summer Bridge ends.

Last weekend, Mark and I went to spend the weekend at his parent's shore house in Brigantine, a little beach town bordering Atlantic City. It was a wonderful, romantic weekend. Saturday, we went to the outlets and shopped ( he bought me something extrememly special, which I'll get to in a minute). Then we spent the afternoon on the beach with his parents and his aunt, then went to dinner later on that night.

At dinner, he vowed to remain committed to me and presented me with a beautiful 1/7 carat diamond eternal bouqet promise ring. I almost cried. The patrons around us thought he was proposing, and the waitress even asked me "Did you say yes?"

I'm not wearing the ring as I write this, because I had to take it to the jeweler to get it sized. But when I do wear it, I wear it with pride, and it is a symbol of our love and commitment to each other. Mark is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I am so fortunate to say that I belong to him and he belongs to me.

It's amazing how much my life has changed over the course of the summer. I've been working pretty much since it began and haven't had much of a vacation. I'm happy to say though that I will be starting a new job working as a CA for the Temple Summer Bridge program's English component. Basically, I'll be an assistant to the English instructor. THe program is six weeks long, and it's purpose is to prepare incoming freshmen from Philadelphia for their first year in college. These students are admitted to Temple on a conditional basis, because either their placement exam or SAT scores do not meet Temple's requirements. Provided that they perform well in the Summer Bridge program, they get to keep their admission. If not, they cannot attend Temple in the fall and Temple will set them with an area community college. So, in other words, the academic fate of these kids partially lies in my hands. I'm supposed to begin next week, but I can't say what day. My tentative start date is Monday, provided that all my payroll paperwork has been processed. I'm praying that it is. Temple, please don't screw me over.

On the darker side of life, the house that I spent six years of my life in has been arsoned and is pretty much destroyed. Thank God no one or nothing was in it when this occurred, but it has completely changed the plans me, my mom, and my sis had from here on out. My mom was supposed to close on the sale of the house, but since the fire, that can't happen. The house has to be completely rebuilt, but luckily, we have insurance and they're covering the cost of the rehab as well as our expenses other than the mortgage. The anxiety that I'm feeling, though, comes from the fact that the perpetrator is still out there. There is a prime suspect, but at this point, even the buyers are a suspect. The police detective even considered my mother a suspect until he saw the way she broke down and cried when she saw the destruction of the house.

But I've learned to turn everything over to God. I think I worry so much because I'm trying to figure out the solution to every problem instead of relying on my faith. Me and Mark have joined a church and we've been getting involved there, and it's taught me a lot and it's changing my perspective on life. I just gotta keep believing.

Sonia is going to be leaving Temple at the end of the summer. I've started seeing her again since the fire happened and she's going to let me see her until she leaves. I hate to say that I feel like I'm sort of losing my security blanket at Temple, but Sonia said she'd refer me to another TCS therapist. I've been seeing her since I was a freshman, and she's seen me through all my transitions, struggles with mental health, and personal growth. It's going to be difficult to see her go, but I know I'll be fine.

I can't believe it's halfway through the summer. So far, so good. I hit a little rough patch a couple weeks ago. I guess that's what happens when I don't take my medicine for a month. I experienced this manic high without it, and suddenly, around the beginning of the month, I plummeted. But I saw my doctor and, after scolding me, put me back on my meds.

I've been working at my summer job at the market research firm for almost two months now. I have a love/hate relationship with it, as in I love the people, but I hate the work. It pays $10/hr and it's a low-stress job, so I shouldn't complain. It's just that it gets so repetitive and boring. Mom also offered to pay my rent for the summer, so my paychecks will be going to utilities and savings.

This weekend Mark and I will be celebrating our six-month anniversary by booking a hotel room, getting some champagne, and just relaxing for the weekend. He's got a wonderful new job working for a real estate company and makes some pretty decent money. He's also doing great in school, and I'm so happy for him. I can't believe our relationship has gone on for half a year now, and we're still not sick of each other! Lol


Mom sold the house and is preparing to move. She's planning on making a move to Atlanta within the next year, but for now she's relocating to PA until my sister gets situated with college and I graduate. Now the only excuse I'll have to go to Jersey is to visit my father, since all of my friends are here.

I'm bored at work and don't feel like reading the story my creative writing professor assigned. Thus the perfect time for an update. Life is still going pretty well. Mark and I recognized our one-month anniversary this past Thursday. I find it funny that we're the kind of couple that recognizes little things like that. I never thought I'd be that mushy, lovey dovey kind of person, but I think there's always that certain person that can make you see sides of yourself you never knew existed. Mark makes me realize that you shouldn't always make rules for yourself. You should just let things unfold naturally. It's always better that way.

While things in the romance department are going great, my health has not been so. For about three weeks now I've been plagued with a horrendous cough and I was finally motivated to go to Health Services last Monday and get it checked out. Well after listening to my chest and hearing the wheezing and rattling in there, the doctor decided that I had bronchitis. Ew. So she put me on Erythromycin, an antibiotic that's an alternative to Penicillin (which I am allergic to). The thing about this stuff, though, is that it could make you so sick if you don't take it on a full stomach. Even though the doctor had warned me about this,I was hoping that it wouldn't actually happen. Well it did. Tuesday night I was so miserable I had to leave work early and spent nearly three hours throwing up while my cat curiously (and strangely) watched. The next night wasn't so bad, but I threw up a little and was able to rest peacefully afterward. I think my body's gotten used to it now, but I'll be glad when I'm through with Erythromycin and bronchitis.

I also found out that I'm due to graduate a semester early, that is January 2008. It's weird to think that years ago, when I started kindergarten, I was so young that they didn't wanna let me into public school. Now here I am, still a youngun, due to graduate two months after my 21st birthday. Blessing or curse? I'm not sure. My parents are thrilled about it, but I'm a bit frightened. That means I can't put confronting the real world on delay like I wanted to. But perhaps it's for the best.

So I'm going to Spain this summer, I'm graduating early, and I've got a good man. There really isn't much else I could want right now. I have to say that, I do miss some parts about being single, but I think that's just because I'm getting used to being in a relationship. And this is no fling, this is a serious, I-don't-wanna-be-with-anyone-else relationship. I've been good about keeping it private, but sometimes I wish I had friends that weren't so anti-love so I could gush to them. I don't feel completely comfortable talking about my relationship with them because I feel like they wanna grimace. Oh well. I wish I could have more of a Fuck-It attitude.

So it's official.


I was admitted into Temple's Summer Program in Spain!

I'M GOING TO SPAIN!

I'm currently at work trying to escape boredom, but with little success. Sundays are always dead and I'm stuck here at this stupid desk until nine. Blah.

So I suppose I need to update on how life has been since Spring Semester commenced. Classes seem like a piece 'o cake. I've got Human Sexuality, Creative Writing, Journalism & The Law, andSpanish Advanced Writing Skills (with Profesora Moore-Martinez who I had for Spanish Comp soph year). I should expect a boost in my GPA should everything go as well as I anticipate. I begin my internship with AroundPhilly.com on Tuesday and I'll be receiving course credit for that. So in the realm of academia and such, there's a lot going on.

On the romantic front...well, things probably couldn't be any better. Me and Mark spent the majority of the weekend together. I slept at his place on Friday evening.In bed that night he said THE three words and I reciprocated. A first time for me, but a beautiful moment. I admitted to him that I was a little nervous about how fast things were going, and I've never experienced anything like this before. He assured me we'll take things a day at a time. Then Saturday we took the train back into Philly and spent hours down on South St. Browsed a couple stores, grabbed lunch, got a little frisky in the men's room of the restaurant. Haha. Then picked up a 1/4 of green (which was quite a task to obtain, lemme tell ya). Once we returned back to my house, we were exhausted and listened to music, smoked, and chatted until we went to sleep.



I have to say that life is currently being good to me. I'm greatly enjoying it for however long it will last.